This is Vegas Baby!
Several years ago some ass clown in the Las Vegas chamber of commerce thought they were missing out on the all mighty family dollar and started to pitch Vegas as a family destination. Yeah that’s right Sin City, the city whose motto is “What happens here stays here” decided “Hey lets have kids in strollers!” They even went as far as building roller coasters and kids rides. I don’t know if this was a crack induced fantasy or if perhaps the person or persons involved were part of some creepy cult but this was a historically bad idea. It could be the same guy that decided to change the Coke formula to match Pepsi but I don’t think we will ever know. I am convinced whomever it was is currently in the B.D.P.P. (Bad Decision Protection Program) relocated to remote part of Iowa living next door to the same guy that thought putting coin operators on bathroom stall doors was a great idea. You want to charge me 50 cents to take a piss and I will just piss in the sink.
Nothing angers me more than when I am trying to desperately get to the craps table and I need to avoid tripping on a double stroller with a family that can’t seem to find the pool, walking lost and confused, clogging the sacred casino path. Listening to little Billy whine that he wanted chocolate milk instead of orange juice. Trust me parents the very last thing you want around your kids is a Vodka Cranberry fueled Evil Bastard with a hand full of casino chips looking for an open $10 minimum table and three hours of what some people would consider sleep. You also want no part of me hitting 7 after betting 6 and 8 while having $50 on the field. There is a string of profanity that spews out of my mouth that would make a long haul trucker blush.
You see things in Vegas that you don’t ever want your kids to know is possible yet alone that it happens. My last trip as I was going to grab my morning coffee and a smoke I passed two guys that were both carrying two beers each and were so drunk that slurring would have been an improvement over the language they were speaking. I am pretty sure one threw up in the trashcan waiting on the elevator. This was at 10am! They say New York is the city that never sleeps; well Las Vegas is the city that doesn’t have an off switch. Once when I was there a large girl was passed out cold on the sidewalk of the strip and what I can only assume was her 90 pound boyfriend sitting on the curb next to her waiting until she could walk again. In Vegas you witness things that in other places would result in a phone call to the police and long drug out court hearings. There you just move on and say “Vegas Baby!”
Kids have no place in Vegas. Listen it’s not that I hate kids; I like them, hell made one of my own. But I am waiting until she is 21 before I drag her to the city of sin. Is it because I am a stellar parent? Fuck no, it’s because I feel and always will feel that Vegas is the adult playground. The place us adults go to get the fuck away from all responsibilities and lets face it the number one responsibility we can have as adults is kids. Nevada is the only state in the union where prostitution is legal! When you walk the strip teams of guys with small playing cards that have nude or partially nude women on them are tying to get you to either go to their strip club or use their escort service. Sure there is a freak in a Chewbacca costume but he is not there for kids he is there so you and your drunk buddies and have a photo op that will be the only evidence that you were actually there. It blows my mind to be walking down Las Vegas Boulevard and see a family pushing multiple strollers getting passed by a group of girls headed to the next night club with drinks in their hands, not wearing underwear, in heels that are at least 5 inches high, walking like just born baby giraffes and calling each other “whore”. Wow, what’s next on your family stop? A tour of opium manufacturing facilities in Afghanistan, A sex tour in Thailand, or how about weeklong seminar on how to make things explode using household items?
I get it parents, it’s hard to get out and have fun. You want to spend time with your kids but you also want to have some adult fun and it’s really hard to find someone to watch your kids while you escape to somewhere. But there are a shit ton of places you can take your bundles of joy. Hell, take them to pretty much anywhere in Florida the whole damn state seems to be dedicated to sucking the parent wallet dry. But Vegas? NO! Don’t do it! Stop! If it were up to me you wouldn’t even be able to get plane tickets for kids when the end destination was Vegas unless you were a resident. The fucking airport has slot machines and bars that are open 24x7.
Now some of you might say I am being a little harsh, rude even a dick. “Hey Evil if a parent wants to take their kids to Vegas that is their choice and you are all about people making their own choices right?” I am about people making their own choices and I would never tell someone how to raise their kids. BUT when your choice is fucking up my adult playtime I have a right to speak out.
I was standing on the casino floor at the Rio smoking a cigarette holding a drink doing the loud commenting with my buddy about the hot chicks ass that just walked by and a woman that was passing with her two kids looked at me and said… “Could you please control yourself I have my children here?” I was in shock, stunned! I said nothing for a few seconds because the Vodka slowed down my thought process. Then I took a big drag on my cigarette, exhaled and yelled…
“This is Vegas Baby!”